Well firstly, how is everyone? Sorry I haven't been around much lately, been going to a festival and a Christmas Party (The only one I've ever been invited to). So yeah I haven't been around much, and will continue not be around much as well next week, as I have a busy week then as well.
But anyway, getting on topic for this journal =
I now think I am possibly ready to tell you all a few personal things that have going on in my life lately. That I've refused to tell a lot of people, but I feel, I need to get it off of my chest. I don't really even want to write this journal...But i just feel I have to get it out. The WHOLE lot of it out. So if you don't want to read this, that's fine. I don't expect you too! ....Oh also, some of the things I write in this can be taken the WRONG way, don't think I'm being nasty, I'm just being honest to myself. =
I still get that feeling of me being a failure because I quit University, I thought the feelings would have gone by now...But they haven't, and I don't think they ever will. I don't regret quitting Uni, because the course was WAY to narrow for me. I've realised that I want to do Fine Art, not Illustration. And at the time, the whole university environment was too much for me mentally. But that feeling of being a failure and fear of not getting to the career I want because I've quit Uni has really gotten bad now. I end up crying and crying out of fear I've made the wrong decision even though I don't regret that decision. If that makes any sense at all. I am absolutely scared still I will end up in a job I hate all my life, just like my dad. I couldn't live like that. I know I probably sound like a spoilt bitch, but oh well...Think what you want of me...
I have this HUGE problem with guilt, always have. I feel guilty for everything I do and say and even think. I have been brought up to think about the consequences yes, but too the extreme. I guess that's the one bad thing about being brought up in a half Christian family. When one parent has a totally different view to the other. Half my Family are Christian, and Half my family are Atheists. So it gets really complicated at times deciding who's advice to take or what'll happen if I take one over the other or even if I take both people's advice ect...My Atheist family members don't respect my Christian family members and think it's a load of rubbish. Saying that some of my Christian family members don't respect the Atheists either. I myself personally am a Christian, but I tell basically no one in real life, because of the micky taking in my family. But as a more quiet and observant Christian, I respect everyone's views and just ignore them when they take the micky. Even though my dad says I should stand up for what I believe in. What have I really got to gain from doing that? Getting more hate from the atheist family members, and that's not a gain to me.
You could say I have absolutely NO guts/back bone/spine at all. I NEVER stand up for myself, and never have. I've also been brought up to shut up and say absolutely nothing when people say things to you, tell you off, boss you around and treat you unfairly. I just go very, very quiet. But at the moment I am mostly quiet anyway...No matter how many times people have said to stand up for myself, it's alright to get angry and annoyed and TELL people sometimes. I will never do it, or VERY rarely on the extreme, but that's only online. So yes I am spineless but in a way that I will let everyone step all over me and never say a thing to them and just keep allowing them to do it...It's just how I've been brought up...
I've had various odd moments with family members and friends lately too, I understand I rant to much and I hate it...I hate burdening people with my problems, because as they say, you burden your friends and soon enough you won't have any left. I guess that's what is happening to me right now, I've lost loads of friends. Because I am mentally ill at the moment...And they can't handle that, fair enough. Can't blame them for that. It just really hurts that's all. I've not been myself at all for the last few months, not to them. And they can blatantly see it too. I think yesterday and the day before was the happiest I had been for ages. But I do apologise if I've upset people, and I KNOW I have.
And I suppose the last thing I kind of need to say is about some more...non mental things. Last week my granddad (on my mums side) and dad both collapsed on the same day...My granddad was low blood sugar due to his diabetes and heart failure, my dad's is a suspected kidney stone. I've been very stressed, and not told anyone about it. My mum also has to have an x-ray on her knee and a CT scan on her head. So I am VERY worried about that too. And I've been pretty unwell with my lungs so that just tops the cake off with a cherry right? Plus...I can't remember exactly what day it was...But sometime last week I think, I tried to take my own life again and told absolutely no one this time. No journal, no messages to anyone, no note. No nothing. I had the extreme urge back. Just put the cord around my neck and pulled...Obviously it failed...I'm still here...And the last two days have actually been good, so I feel a bit less explosive with my emotions right now. I eventually told my mum a few hours after doing it, she was angry and upset but said I need to tell her if I have any feelings like it and tell her or someone what I feel like doing instead of doing it. I told a few more people, only ones on here I trusted and some of those...got really angry at me on the same day too. So I probably shouldn't have told anyone but my mum, but oh well.
Self harming is MY coping mechanism with Depression, it's not for attention, it's for punishment for being who I am and feeling the way I feel.
That's all really! I hope the next update is a better one! I may write another journal today about Comet, haven't updated about him in a while.